For this, I will combine all of the multi-pages into one entry, and note every new entry by putting a asterisk.
*Front cover is snugged but reads "This isn't for you"
* Inside Front cover - Signature, picture of some eye creature and a note that says "For those who are not me, turn to page 9. Thank you."
*"I've grown a sickness from the hold I let you put on me. I am your pet, your slave. And you don't even know it. It's my fault, really. Wasting away my days dreaming of happiness that could never work. I figure it's better this way." - There is a picture of a leash and collar at the bottom.
Back of page says, "I hate this pen, it smells of toxic waste."
*"My mind is so clouded. It needs some clarity. I just lack the time required to achieve true concentration. I need time to decide how to deal with my problems."
"The world is mine... or so I used to believe. I was so in touch with my surroundings that I could change anything. Fully aware of the consequence of each and every possible option available to me. Now I've just lost it."
*"And it's become apparently to me that I am crazy. More than one person lives in my head and has since I was younger. I know they cannot be destroyed, only assimilated. So, how do I deal with the beast that has grown now? It feeds on insecurity and bathes in depression. The monster seriously enjoys wallowing in my failure. - It underestimates me."
*"Perhaps it is possible to alter a beast if you can't kill it. Some creatures are better not assimilated in their current state." -picture of a four-eyed, hungry monster- "So much exploration due to be done on one's mind. Best take your flashlight."
Back of page - "Mythology and folklore are more important to society than science" can't say I fully believe that's true.
*Entry9 "I feel it is important to state, (that is, for anyone who reads this note book.) that I am a person with a strong sense of symbolism, as it is an immensely strong foundation of my mind. I am also one with a strong respect for poetry. Please do not read this in the sole intention of grasping the face value of it. This is not a read for ignorant minds."
*" 'The optimist considers this to be the best of all possible worlds. The pessimists fear this to be true.' "
" 'I want the sky to fall in; I want lighting and thunder, I want blood instead of rain; I want the world to make me wonder...' Want by The Cure"
* "There is a story I am working on in my head. I'm afraid to convert it into a written version and let people read it because I fear to many people would draw the link between myself and the main character and see too much of my philosophies and views on the world, forcing me into being a greater outcast than I already am."
* "The way you make me feel, makes me wish for rain..." "Thorns grow tight around my body; I writhe in pain on the floor of the bedroom." "I see now that it's you I want, it's you I will have no more"
* "Even if you never asked me to, I would die for you." "I wonder if you even care to know what happened back then. I'm not the same person. I'm not so frail. If it were the same today, I'd show you how I could be strong and stand up for myself. Treat you the way I should have. But we can't live in 'What-if's' "
*"I never loved you, though you fooled me into thinking I might. How could I love an immature harlot like yourself? A ditsy lulu who thinks she has it all figured out. No. This wasn't for you. And, try as I might, I never kept your interest at heart. it was all for the sick thrills. Don't tell me it meant more to you because someone like you couldn't understand LOVE." LOVE is scratched into this paper.
* "You cared when others didn't, and, I didn't understand that. I never appreciated the manner in which you cared. We sat and watched the stars. Just us, and them, no blind acts of teen stupidity, just absolution there. For an instant, I found peace. What did I do wrong? It's too late now to ~...Wonder...~ I hope you have a great life together."
* "Crash and burn. Seems to be your intentions. From what I understand, we're not that different. Only you've lost control and I still sit on the top of my dream cloud. You're presence insights no butterflies. No unfamiliar glow. But given the chance, I'd do things with you that I couldn't forget or forgive myself for. ...That... That is the only attraction. I fear that just won't do."
"I hope he's worth it." is written on the back.
* A single fake star is hanging from the top of the page. "It was raining. That held some fascination to you. 'To kiss in the rain.' So many young girls dream it. I felt nothing special about it. Just got wet. That's all... Maybe kissing the lips of a real lover in the gently falling snow. The warm caress of her arms around me and that touch. Now that'd be something."
* "And so... I regret to say it, but I hope she sucks your heart empty. I hope she leaves you with an empty place in your body where your heart used to be. A place with absolutely nothing,except a trace of glass shards, that slowly make their way into your lungs and you find it heard to breath or speak. And I hope she cuts off your circulation with the outside world. I hope you hurt the way I do. It was because of you."
*" '...You are sitting there, thinking your thoughts; They are not about what is, but what is not; You are sitting there breathing in your breathes; You are seldom breathing life, but mostly death. ' Commissioning a Symphony in C by CAKE"
* "In the end, your materialism will buy you nothing but the respect of fools... And in a nation ruled by fools, that's something." There is a picture of a jester's mask with a crown on it at the bottom.
* "It has becomed vividly clear that not many people care, which is why no one comes to my side when I 'complain' or ask for help. It is this notion that makes me feel it is useless to even try to express my woes, as they may easily be brushed aside. I am basically defenseless. Like autumn leaves on the ground, easily stepped on, crushed, forgotten, and strangely beautiful."
* This page has nothing but a drawing of a moon/sun combo, with four eyes around it, at the northern point, an opened one, to the east, a dreary one, to the south an eye that's almost shut, and to the west, a closed one. Nothing spectacular.
* "December's child calls me again. She claims to be my love. She claims we were once more than just acquaintances. I tell her she lies, for I have never met a winter I could love, let alone like. I say I'm hanging up. She -CRIES- my name in a voice and tone most familiar. 'How could you forget me?!' she wails into the receiver, 'You said we could never grow apart!' ... 'I found someone colder than a winter's child, in myself.' *click* Line goes dead"
* "Doesn't it seem bizarre to think the prettiest girls are often part of the greatest relationships? Is it the fact that they are so happy, that makes them more desirable? Perhaps, it's their perfect, rather, seemingly perfect relationships that make men with hungry hearts want them even more. We're envious, lonely, and understandably so. We long to see that girl's smile, not for another, but just for us. A star to call our own, in her eyes. ~Must be wonderful."
* This page has a variety of Watchmen related things with the word "Why?" in the middle.
* "Why is right. Why anything? The simplest answer is because. Life is just another miracle of the universe. We need not any reason to live other than just that. To LIVE. It is the wants and problems of so many that drive us to do more than we are destined to. We go against nature and show how, we also, can create. This upsets the balance. We were never meant to be what we are today. War, Famine, Death, and Conquest have set us awry."
* " 'Who makes the world? Perhaps the world is not made. Perhaps nothing is made. Perhaps it simply is, has been, and will always be there... A clock without a craftsman.' Jon Osterman in the Watchmen Novel"
* "We walked along the beach. We held hands, and stopped just near the point where the land meets the sea on two sides. We shared a lover's kiss. I told you, this must be a dream, the lights are too dim, the touch... too perfect to be real. We shared it all and more. To me, you were my world. As you recall, it was nothing SpEcIaL."
* This page has a pretty well thought out pen sketch of coffee sitting on a table outside of a cafe, with a spider sitting next to the cup. Special subject matter to me for some reason.
* "The purple in the skies mixed with something in your eyes and in that moment lies were the truth in your solem goodbyes." "She got her forgets, and I have my forgives." "I could feel your winters as they crawlled and curl up int my arms. I can see you crying out the tears of your past crimes and spares."
* "Caress me in summer time and whisper promises of better days. Show me that life is more than partial lovers and flashing lights. Give me the stars, and a reason for living. Teach me to care and the joys of giving."
* "Kiss of Death (Revised) : Crawling acroos the room, closer to me you move. I smile and wisher, 'Apirition, what have you to prove?' Of forgotten memories and lost lovers you sing, 'I am your always. I am your nothing' Standing now, you come to kiss me. I am ready and willing, while others would run and hide away. ...But I have grown accustom to such a strange thing, I have no fear of such a lowly demon."
* "Smile : I find myself on a hill top, far from the city. I cna see the cage bellow. They are captive to their faux society.and they are unaware. I pet my pup in a manner that may instill an ominous counting. It won't be long. I catch a falling star out of the corner of my eye. I find this to be appropriate. I've patted my pup 50 times now, I look out, and close my eyes. I smile. It's over."
* "All change change. A reoccurring fact. But if that's true, then why do I feel as though nothing's changed? It's been the same for so long." "I fear I may have fell apart here. With my mind in shambles, I lay across this old floor with toys and relics from days since passed."
* "I used to have so much wealth. I... I used to take such great delight int he world. Seeing the perfection in it's never-ending flow and lack of judgment. The world was as it should be, constantly changing. I figured life was the same, but...well, I feel as though I have become stagnant. Nothing changes, nothing surprises me. I feel I'm a lost soul who may never recover, and that is the only thing that hurts anymore. Where did I go wrong? What went awry?"
* "I've spent too much time outside of the box." "Paranoia eats at my mind like a rodent hungry for it's last meal before it's prey ceases to be. I've gotta stop this!" "Is it too late to find my way back to reality? Can I keep both my stable life outside and my fairytale world in my head?"
On the back is written "Must I choose?" in curly hand-writing
* "What if I did have cancer? What if this lump in my neck killed me? or slowly was in the process right now? Would I be easily cast aside as just memories? Weak and short ones at that? There must be a way to make an impact on those around me. I need to explode and leave an impression that will form a hole when I'm gone. For I could be swept away, ANYDAY."
* "But why? Why am I so afraid to explode and show what's in me? Is it because I have lost what I thought I once had? Or is it that I have nothing of value to show? Perhaps it's the sole fact that I spend 40% of my time trying to figure out why it is that I can't seem to express my-self that I lose time I could be doing just that to the best that I can. Fear rules me."
* "Anger Rules me. Lust RULES ME. FrUsTrAtIoN rules ME. Why? They all feel so... So real... Almost as if they could speak for themselves. I feel that they are sacred and have earned their place in me... But... I find them hindering. I must knock them from their thrones."
* "Promise : Toss their crowns aside; As solemn anger doth bide; I am not a weak man; I will stand up the best I can; And when those mighty fall; You will hear my victory call; And I will be no longer a slave to them; I will act upon my own whim."
* At the top of this page is a tiny drawing of what I see my heart as "Rising up from the abyss, I push higher and higher, reaching for the well-top. Gathering fragments of myself as I go. Once I reach the exit, if ever, I'll never left them go! and I'll have a whole soul of pasted pieces and lowly melancholy memories, colors of blue and grey, which I can be proud of. ...I'd never let them go..."
* "I step out from my room into a harsh new day. ...But something changed, and for a second I feel star-kissed and alright. For a second, I feel I'm falling through thoughts of the past. The forgotten and loved, the tangible and the incorporeal. I open the door, the day is bright, the air is warm. I smile. I cry. I'm me again"
* I rewrote the poem in this part of my journal, so this can be considered the revised version.
"Unfinished Love'song :
A gentle kiss to start the day
To open my eyes to in a whole new way
She moves across the room, transfixing my gaze
with brilliant flashes of blue, and red, of grey
Ice over in my heart, I suffer it the everyday
A warm touch, a single kiss, brushes the frost away
You twirl through the room, teasing silly romances
You are my light in the tunnel, that sings and dances
as perfect, and divine as it can get
Yet strange, and, broken I feel
That we have never met"
To open my eyes to in a whole new way
She moves across the room, transfixing my gaze
with brilliant flashes of blue, and red, of grey
Ice over in my heart, I suffer it the everyday
A warm touch, a single kiss, brushes the frost away
You twirl through the room, teasing silly romances
You are my light in the tunnel, that sings and dances
as perfect, and divine as it can get
Yet strange, and, broken I feel
That we have never met"
On the back of this page, I marked the dead center of the book... as it being the middle of the book, and the middle of the spine.
That will do it for tonight. Half of a look into the mind of a sad little boy will do you well. Reading over this, as I type, I find the writing to be mostly bland and lack a lot of artistic value. My second booklet was better in my opinion. That last poem and the last poem of the book itself are the best things to come out of that booklet in my opinion. If you're curious to who I may be talking about in these entries, feel free to ask. I may answer.
The second half will soon follow.
