A night at the Tabernacle

I am not so sure where to start this whole thing. It was beyond amazing.
I guess the start of my day will do.

I woke up at about 8 and started getting ready. By 11:45 I had picked up my friend Donte and we were on the road. The 4 and a half hour drive was long and monotonous. Once we were on the interstate it was none stop driving for the remainder of the time which was at least 2 hours. So no breaks, no stopping, just straight line driving for 2 hours at 70-85 mph on the road with a bunch of crazies.
Truly, it racked my nerves.

Once we were in Atlanta, and I hit that stop sign, I could finally relax for a second and say "WE'RE HERE!" Seeing planes fly over head really made me uncomfortable, especially when the thought of "I'll be in one of those in another month" came to mind.

Getting to the Tabernacle and parking was incredibly easier than I thought it would be... though I'm not so sure I came in the right way. haha
Once I got out of my car and stepped foot on ground for the first time in hours, I was hit with the reality that I was there. This was Atlanta and AFI was in the building next to me. The buildings that towered tall next to me like the CNN center and a few other unnamed buildings really threw me for a look as well.
They were just so massive!
I had to pass up the DF only line since my friend, Donte, wasn't a DFer yet. I didn't mind much, we were there 2 hours early with not too many people in front of us. I have to make a comment about one thing though... There were a surprising amount of people's with their mom's at the show. Seriously guys? And when I was walking to my place in line, I don't think there was a single person who didn't stare at me. What was with that? haha

Anyway, after getting in the Tabernacle, we sort of worked our way into a pseudo-line at the merch store. I got the DF tour shirt and that one really classy gold/grey shirt with the lady on it. Donte got a bandanna and talked to the merch guy, (I think his name is Fritch but I'm not sure.) about marvel super heroes and went to a plain of Nerdom that I am not familiar with.

Getting into the room, we were already farther back than I had hoped to be, but we picked our spot and stood it well. Only one person tried to (and exceeded :<) to get int front of me, to which I replied "EXCUSE ME?" and of course she ignored me. Her friends tried to follow though and I wouldn't allow it so neh!
Dave Hauser came on. No one was particularly impressed from what I could tell, but I wouldn't by any means say he was bad. If only all of his songs weren't the same pace. He also brought up 2 beers and a bottle of jack with him on stage, to which a few people shouted "chug'a' beeerrrr!" haha He was a good opener though. I imagine Gallows, though they may not be that great, would have pumped more energy.

Now for the real big part of the night
________________________________

The lights dimmed and everyone screamed as the eerie music started up. The whole crowd, which spanned the entire room almost, rushed forward and you had no choice to stand still. The power of the crowd was just too much. Jade ran out playing the intro and my heart felt like it disappeared. I quickly came to terms with "They're real. They're really in front of me!" Davey came out and I saw him as he walked up to grasp the microphone. One "Oh!" followed by the band breaking in sent the crowd into a frenzy.
I was on Jade's side of the stage the whole night so I only got to see Hunter for a few seconds here and there when he'd run over and switch places with Jade as he always does. Adam was also pretty hard to see in the venue because it was so dark. They boys busted right into Girls not Grey after Torch Song. You could definitely tell that the years of playing it and some of the other older songs has really paid off. It was so rapid, so powerful it's all lost in a blur except for the intro and bits and pieces here and there. I have to say that being in the energetic crowd, so close to the boys really made it special.
Davey would run over to our side from time to time and we'd all move in his direction. It was crazy.

Songs like Kill Caustic, Leaving Song Pt. II, Dancing Through Sunday, Love Like Winter, Miss Murder, and best of all, Wester really had the crowd in a frenzy.
The newer songs weren't as great but I understand since they haven't preformed them as much as the others, they were still good. I especially enjoyed beautiful thieves.
Right as Death of Seasons played, some jackass with his shirt off came into the crowd to my right swinging trying to get to the front. That obviously didn't fly with someone and they punched him right in the back of the head. Thus a fight broke out and I pushed Donte to the left trying to get us away from it all. The guards solved it fast, but I still completely missed my favorite part of DoS, Hunter's bass intro. :(

My favorite for the night was On the Arrow. It was so great. I'd say 3 times better than the original version. Adam playing the shaker so intensely was a laugh though. I've just never seen anyone so transfixed on one thing. It was like he wasn't moving anything but his arm and the motion to which he did it was so bizarre, but he kept the whole thing in beat and that's what matters. The song was so moving!

I hate to leave out every single detail, but this post has gone on for long enough and I still have some more to say.
By the end of the show though, Donte and I were only about 5-6 people back and that was really close! Silver and Cold was heart piercing, to say the least. Some random guy (who told me his board name, though I can't remember it), Donte, and I all swayed back and forth to the end of the song, it was an epic end, to an epic night.
Or so I thought. Because then I remembered we were going to wait to meet the boys outside.

After pushing through some self promoting paramore sound-alike band, and the scent of a huge garbage can mixed with the BO of a hundred or more sweaty fans, we made our way to the barriers around the tour bus.

---
We waited for 2 hours in the cold for the boys to come out. After all the driving and waiting, it felt more like 40 minutes in my head, still, about 10 minutes before we saw anyone, I was getting pissed and wanted to get back on the road.
I met some really cool people. A short girl who had been going to AFI shows since 2003, an enthusiastic older lady who claimed I must have been 16, and a cute blond girl in gold converse shows who liked video games. The amount of homeless people who would walk up to us and beg for money was depressing at first, then just sad, and eventually became irritating (against my better nature). There had to be at least 15 different people who came up and bothered us. Including one who wasn't right in the head and just came and stood by the fans, mumbled to himself and sang God Bless America. One was a terrible harmonica player with possible delirium, one was a comedian of some sort, and one had a suit and gold rings. It was pressing at my devotion and patience to stay.
[Did I mention I hadn't checked my car in hours and it can easily be broken into through the back window?]
Needless to say, I was ready to go... but Jade finally came out after 2 hours and started signing stuff and taking pictures with everyone. Hunter soon followed. Jade was surprised we came all the way from southern Alabama. Hunter was really nice too. I wish I would have had more courage to talk to him seeing as I kinda idolize the man. Nothing came to mind when I thought to ask him something...
Apparently by the time Hunter made it about 15 more people down, Davey and Adam came out... Sadly, I had already left. The pain in my stomach was too harsh and I had a feeling Davey & Adam just didn't want to see us that night.

I drove back home. There wasn't a place to eat for miles, except for Waffle House and I just didn't want to deal with the gas for the next 3-4 hours so we drove on until we found a McDonalds somewhere. Took the rest of the drive back thinking about how awesome of a night we had and playing all of my AFI albums in the car.

I got back home at about 5 a.m. It's still a little hard to believe I was there. My mind is seriously fried from the concept. It's like I was on another planet.


Sorry for writing so much, but it was just too special to me to only include little bits and pieces,
~Matt


One of my favorite celeb-type people. Hunter is the awesome. End of story.


Awkward picture all around. My camera sucks, and i was laughing right as the picture was being taken. oh well. Only get to meet the man once every few years I guess.

Golden

-Attempts to connect to another leave us vulnerable, but alone we cannot shine.-

Twisting these wires
Attempting to achieve transmission
Hoping someone will pick up my distress
I've considered dropping the line

Yet I'm still scanning the channels
Searching for frequency
Trying to understand that nothing is busted
Maybe we're just tuned too differently

But, when we make contact
Sparks key the ignition
Souls breathe out notes
Our mouths cannot mimic

The beat of my heart taps along
Your song keeps it beating
I'm still on your station
Giving my full attention

And I'm still scanning your channels
Searching for frequency
Knowing now that nothing is busted
We're in tune so beautifully

But if I seem distant
I'm really just listening
Feeling the vibrations
Drowning myself, fixating

Feeling the vibrations
Holding to you, resonating

Freezing Hands

Woke up later than I had hoped today. From the moment I was awake, til the moment right now, I have had a truly splendid AFI day. The title of this is not so much a play off of new song, as much as it is a set feeling for the whole day.
Why?
Because today was the first real day of Autumn here. It was cool enough for jackets out during the day, and tonight it was actually cool enough to make my hands shiver in the cold. But it doesn't have to be cold at all to do that, I have terrible circulation you see.

Drove 40 minutes to Dothan to get my copy of Crash Love, on the drive there I shouted along with Black sails and the beginning of Sing the Sorrow. When I got to the mall, I went straight for what I was there for, Crash Love. I actually had a hard time finding it in Hot Topic, although it was right to the left of the CDs the whole time with it's own display.
The clerk that I see literally every time I go in there was quick to swing around the jewelry and show it to me. It's always nice to see her pretty face. She's also the only other DFer I know in my whole area anymore. It's a little weird, but I always sorta had a crush on her. haha

Got a shirt, the regular CD (because jewel cases last longer than cardboard) and a pin all for 21 bucks. Quite a deal if you ask me!

Drove home and jammed out to Crash Love. Ears were ringing when I got home.
You know that video Hunter did in the LP about tambourines? When I blasted the CD, you can hear tambourines on "It Was Mine" HAH! And you though it was a joke!





During the afternoon, I made some neat stuff for my blog and Myspace with the LP stuff we got last night. You can see all of that here [LINK]
And I had learned that my good DF buddy Alex was able to get into the Roxy, which was amazing for him. I wasn't quite so excited until I heard the music they played on KROQ. The boys were in prime form tonight from what I heard and they stupefied me with how great the music was. Davey's voice was strong and not as strained as it was in IHAV. Solid vocals, solid bass, drums, and some great change ups in guitar that really kept the songs fresh. SOLID EVERYTHING.
I can only imagine how amazing it would have been to be there. My heart could have very well exploded out my chest.

The album, is amazing, the art work is great, the boys live are amazing. I'm besides myself with crash love. Crash in the sense that I hope it lasts and runs until it breaks. Until every last bit of life is squeezed out of AFI. And I'll tell you something, I don't think that's going to happen any time soon. No sir.

I'd like to share a picture, though it's not the whole band, and I love every one of the boys, but this one is just a really good picture that Alex took at the Roxy tonight.


AFI, you still mystify and bedazzle me.
♥♥♥

Goodnight!

Elegy

Written at about 6:30 am before sleep has visited me. It has no rhyme scheme, or syllable build, no poetic devices. More of a... well... Spoken word if you will?
I don't know if it's the appropriate thing to say, but,
Enjoy.


Words are spoken
Hollow spells form lies
Bonds are forged to fickle forms
A touch of crimson, a rush of peach

The mirrors of their souls
Reflect false images
Hands grip one-another
For reasons misconstrued

Compassion is shared,
With devious undertones
Greed and lust take hold
As hands slip from the wheel

Numbness consumes and desires are filled
Sensation, redefined as a parody is formed
New feelings replace the old
No one noticed the shift

That which was profane
Now, is common and accepted
The life line once so sacred
Now, an organ, red and simple

Stars and light
Elation and ecstasy
Things and People that bring these
All tools in the main goal

Surely the change in the weather
Is just a rain drop in the ocean
But this, is an elegy for all hearts
This is the death of love

Poetic collection from the past 2 years

---------------------------
Getting Lost in the Trees
---------------------------
Getting lost in the trees
I know these are the keys
The woods see the live and the dead
As I could only envision in my head

Walking alone in the bliss of Spring
This means nothing and yet everything
Glimmers of sunlite, like crystalline filigree
Caress my skin as warmth comforts me

There is love in heartbreak
Loneliness in company
Lite kisses in winter
And in self sacrifice, vanity

I trace the lines, thin and deep
Branches know the words we dare not speak
Intertwining woes and joys, of present and past
To predetermine our futures, made in brittle glass

Harder to break
Easier to shatter
We all whisper the query
"Do we matter?"

They wear the weight on their fingers
Yet reach past where our gloom lingers
If I could bathe in their leaves so deep
And understand why even those without eyes do weep

For a moment they are still and silent
Their wonders now explained so violent
I know now just as I knew all along
What is it that happens when we are gone


We will not be forgotten
Lovers with hearts of wood
Never turn rotten
And all the poetry we have spoke
We leave with others now
For them to tote

Our souls will drift down distant seas
As our memories twirl in the breeze





---------------------------
Unfinished Love'song
---------------------------

A gentle kiss to start the day
To open my eyes to in a whole new way
She moves across the room, transfixing my gaze
with brilliant flashes of blue, and red, of grey

Ice over in my heart, I suffer it the everyday
A warm touch, a single kiss, brushes the frost away
You twirl through the room, teasing silly romances
You are my light in the tunnel, that sings and dances

as perfect, and divine as it can get
Yet strange, and, broken I feel
That we have never met




---------------------------
This is not a poem
---------------------------

There are things which need to be said
Things I've never said
And most of all, things I think are better off not said
I am one as a lover of life
An idealist of sorts
Yes, an idealist with uncommon ideals
One who sees life as precious
Despite the crime
One who is faceless
And stands in no line
The clock ticks
Faster, slower, the slower still
Then it repeats
Much like the breaths I myself take every day
Struggling, reaching, grasping
Then struggling once more
I don't expect you to understand
Or anyone for that matter
Nothing has changed from before
And did I mention that this is not a poem?
Oh no, I can't say it is
No.
All that I write here is true
Nothing has changed from before
Despite your inability to comprehend
this is me
It always was
I'm a failure in all I do
I accomplish a lot
These are are unwilling to hold up anything
And which is true?
Though I fall, and you reach for my hand
I'm afraid I've packed too much for this trip
Your strength could never be enough
I wonder if you get it
The blue color I have painted myself.
This is a choice
This is a burden
This is a violent movie
This is autumn's sweet song
This is important, that no one sings along
Do you understand?
This is not a poem.





---------------------------
Colors of the Crow
---------------------------


Such beauty
The colours of the crow
As it flies, it weeps

Only I know
Unable to show
It's colours with glee

But I am the crow
And those colours are me




---------------------------
Butterfly
---------------------------

Such gorgeous wing, with vibrant colour
You really are a sight to behold
Though I could stand in your beauty
and admire you 'til I grow old

I feel such empty gazing is unhealthy
So I'll gather myself and make my leave
I'm sure you don't need me anyway
You've got your flowers in this world you weaved

Why ever would you need the company
of such an unbecoming passer-by?
Surely you'll find someone to chase you as you wish.

But never I.





~Flutter On By~
~Butterfly~






---------------------------
Truth
---------------------------

The world's a place
I wish not to live
With those who take
but never give
The young cry out for something
They know not what
The zombies of our time
sit around in their ruts
It's times like these
I await annihilation
It's times like these
I long for absolution
But death reminds me the mistake of my call
and those words of wisdom, on deaf ears fall




---------------------------
The Energy in us All
---------------------------

Take a piece
A piece of me
Pass it to another
unknowingly
Take a piece
Take all of me
Soon you'll all be
a part of me.



---------------------------
Sanctuary
---------------------------

Deep down
near the jagged path of memories
lies a brittle house
My sanctuary
Where life is my lover
and anger is my friend
I sit and think
silly thoughts of men
In this house
of wood and tin



---------------------------
Bleak Poetics
---------------------------

Help me now
I'm sinking slow
I hold your hand
but you might soon let go
Your ignorance
I do not mind
but now you've left me far
far behind
Sitting in a pit
I beg for escape
I've lost my life
I've lost my faith
Even now you walk alone
under the illusion that I still tag along
Yet in my hole, I still remain
and in your memories, I am but a stain




---------------------------
Muse
---------------------------


Like the moon that parts the clouds every night
She comes to me again
The one that haunts my mind
The one I cannot find

With a voice like glass
and tasseled hair
With eyes that are longing
and sing of despair

The mists clear
The ravens cry
My heart erodes
and she is here

Whispering lullabies that leave me speechless.
Whole.
Running her hands across my cheek
fragile, so pale.

Our loves are one
ours souls are free

She disappears
Never to be

We all have those black days too

Woke up this afternoon to a text message of my girlfriend telling me she wanted to break up. That it wasn't that she didn't like me, just that she enjoys being alone more. That she'd rather not be in a relationship at all. Day goes on depressingly until my mother comes in and tells me she needs to borrow some money from me. I don't have any left to give her. So she asks me to go to one of those FastCashNow places and help her get some. So I went up there, was late for work, got her 100 of the 250 she needed for a bill.
When I got in to work, they sent me home because I called a minute before I was supposed to be there. So no work tonight. Or tomorrow night, since it was supposed to be my 2 month anniversary and and I had asked for it off so I could do something nice for my girlfriend. Now I'll spend tomorrow probably playing AFI songs on Guitar Hero 5 and looking for a new job. I know it's nice to have a job at all... but As it stands, I only have 8 hours this week. Most people work that in a day. I can't live on this.

I'm ready to go now. Life isn't blooming here. I have no one holding me to this place anymore, and everything around me just makes me sick to my stomach. There's a taste in my mouth and it feels like death and ashes... I just want to move on, forget this day, and have something brighter to look forward to. People who appreciate me and a job that will bring me enough money to live on. Too much to ask for?

Probably.

"This Isn't For You"

I decided that tonight, I would take my first pocket journal and share all of the entries with whoever wishes to read this. The journal is about 5x3 inches, so it's not very big, and the pages are small, which makes it perfect for jotting down small tidbits or large ones if I so chose. I kept this at the beginning of this year, and essentially was my thing to turn to when friends weren't around to talk to. Props go to Walter for telling me to keep one. Really paid off.

For this, I will combine all of the multi-pages into one entry, and note every new entry by putting a asterisk.

*Front cover is snugged but reads "This isn't for you"

* Inside Front cover - Signature, picture of some eye creature and a note that says "For those who are not me, turn to page 9. Thank you."

*"I've grown a sickness from the hold I let you put on me. I am your pet, your slave. And you don't even know it. It's my fault, really. Wasting away my days dreaming of happiness that could never work. I figure it's better this way." - There is a picture of a leash and collar at the bottom.
Back of page says, "I hate this pen, it smells of toxic waste."

*"My mind is so clouded. It needs some clarity. I just lack the time required to achieve true concentration. I need time to decide how to deal with my problems."
"The world is mine... or so I used to believe. I was so in touch with my surroundings that I could change anything. Fully aware of the consequence of each and every possible option available to me. Now I've just lost it."

*"And it's become apparently to me that I am crazy. More than one person lives in my head and has since I was younger. I know they cannot be destroyed, only assimilated. So, how do I deal with the beast that has grown now? It feeds on insecurity and bathes in depression. The monster seriously enjoys wallowing in my failure. - It underestimates me."

*"Perhaps it is possible to alter a beast if you can't kill it. Some creatures are better not assimilated in their current state." -picture of a four-eyed, hungry monster- "So much exploration due to be done on one's mind. Best take your flashlight."
Back of page - "Mythology and folklore are more important to society than science" can't say I fully believe that's true.

*Entry9 "I feel it is important to state, (that is, for anyone who reads this note book.) that I am a person with a strong sense of symbolism, as it is an immensely strong foundation of my mind. I am also one with a strong respect for poetry. Please do not read this in the sole intention of grasping the face value of it. This is not a read for ignorant minds."

*" 'The optimist considers this to be the best of all possible worlds. The pessimists fear this to be true.' "
" 'I want the sky to fall in; I want lighting and thunder, I want blood instead of rain; I want the world to make me wonder...' Want by The Cure"

* "There is a story I am working on in my head. I'm afraid to convert it into a written version and let people read it because I fear to many people would draw the link between myself and the main character and see too much of my philosophies and views on the world, forcing me into being a greater outcast than I already am."

* "The way you make me feel, makes me wish for rain..." "Thorns grow tight around my body; I writhe in pain on the floor of the bedroom." "I see now that it's you I want, it's you I will have no more"

* "Even if you never asked me to, I would die for you." "I wonder if you even care to know what happened back then. I'm not the same person. I'm not so frail. If it were the same today, I'd show you how I could be strong and stand up for myself. Treat you the way I should have. But we can't live in 'What-if's' "

*"I never loved you, though you fooled me into thinking I might. How could I love an immature harlot like yourself? A ditsy lulu who thinks she has it all figured out. No. This wasn't for you. And, try as I might, I never kept your interest at heart. it was all for the sick thrills. Don't tell me it meant more to you because someone like you couldn't understand LOVE." LOVE is scratched into this paper.

* "You cared when others didn't, and, I didn't understand that. I never appreciated the manner in which you cared. We sat and watched the stars. Just us, and them, no blind acts of teen stupidity, just absolution there. For an instant, I found peace. What did I do wrong? It's too late now to ~...Wonder...~ I hope you have a great life together."

* "Crash and burn. Seems to be your intentions. From what I understand, we're not that different. Only you've lost control and I still sit on the top of my dream cloud. You're presence insights no butterflies. No unfamiliar glow. But given the chance, I'd do things with you that I couldn't forget or forgive myself for. ...That... That is the only attraction. I fear that just won't do."
"I hope he's worth it." is written on the back.

* A single fake star is hanging from the top of the page. "It was raining. That held some fascination to you. 'To kiss in the rain.' So many young girls dream it. I felt nothing special about it. Just got wet. That's all... Maybe kissing the lips of a real lover in the gently falling snow. The warm caress of her arms around me and that touch. Now that'd be something."

* "And so... I regret to say it, but I hope she sucks your heart empty. I hope she leaves you with an empty place in your body where your heart used to be. A place with absolutely nothing,except a trace of glass shards, that slowly make their way into your lungs and you find it heard to breath or speak. And I hope she cuts off your circulation with the outside world. I hope you hurt the way I do. It was because of you."

*" '...You are sitting there, thinking your thoughts; They are not about what is, but what is not; You are sitting there breathing in your breathes; You are seldom breathing life, but mostly death. ' Commissioning a Symphony in C by CAKE"

* "In the end, your materialism will buy you nothing but the respect of fools... And in a nation ruled by fools, that's something." There is a picture of a jester's mask with a crown on it at the bottom.

* "It has becomed vividly clear that not many people care, which is why no one comes to my side when I 'complain' or ask for help. It is this notion that makes me feel it is useless to even try to express my woes, as they may easily be brushed aside. I am basically defenseless. Like autumn leaves on the ground, easily stepped on, crushed, forgotten, and strangely beautiful."

* This page has nothing but a drawing of a moon/sun combo, with four eyes around it, at the northern point, an opened one, to the east, a dreary one, to the south an eye that's almost shut, and to the west, a closed one. Nothing spectacular.

* "December's child calls me again. She claims to be my love. She claims we were once more than just acquaintances. I tell her she lies, for I have never met a winter I could love, let alone like. I say I'm hanging up. She -CRIES- my name in a voice and tone most familiar. 'How could you forget me?!' she wails into the receiver, 'You said we could never grow apart!' ... 'I found someone colder than a winter's child, in myself.' *click* Line goes dead"

* "Doesn't it seem bizarre to think the prettiest girls are often part of the greatest relationships? Is it the fact that they are so happy, that makes them more desirable? Perhaps, it's their perfect, rather, seemingly perfect relationships that make men with hungry hearts want them even more. We're envious, lonely, and understandably so. We long to see that girl's smile, not for another, but just for us. A star to call our own, in her eyes. ~Must be wonderful."

* This page has a variety of Watchmen related things with the word "Why?" in the middle.

* "Why is right. Why anything? The simplest answer is because. Life is just another miracle of the universe. We need not any reason to live other than just that. To LIVE. It is the wants and problems of so many that drive us to do more than we are destined to. We go against nature and show how, we also, can create. This upsets the balance. We were never meant to be what we are today. War, Famine, Death, and Conquest have set us awry."

* " 'Who makes the world? Perhaps the world is not made. Perhaps nothing is made. Perhaps it simply is, has been, and will always be there... A clock without a craftsman.' Jon Osterman in the Watchmen Novel"

* "We walked along the beach. We held hands, and stopped just near the point where the land meets the sea on two sides. We shared a lover's kiss. I told you, this must be a dream, the lights are too dim, the touch... too perfect to be real. We shared it all and more. To me, you were my world. As you recall, it was nothing SpEcIaL."

* This page has a pretty well thought out pen sketch of coffee sitting on a table outside of a cafe, with a spider sitting next to the cup. Special subject matter to me for some reason.

* "The purple in the skies mixed with something in your eyes and in that moment lies were the truth in your solem goodbyes." "She got her forgets, and I have my forgives." "I could feel your winters as they crawlled and curl up int my arms. I can see you crying out the tears of your past crimes and spares."

* "Caress me in summer time and whisper promises of better days. Show me that life is more than partial lovers and flashing lights. Give me the stars, and a reason for living. Teach me to care and the joys of giving."

* "Kiss of Death (Revised) : Crawling acroos the room, closer to me you move. I smile and wisher, 'Apirition, what have you to prove?' Of forgotten memories and lost lovers you sing, 'I am your always. I am your nothing' Standing now, you come to kiss me. I am ready and willing, while others would run and hide away. ...But I have grown accustom to such a strange thing, I have no fear of such a lowly demon."

* "Smile : I find myself on a hill top, far from the city. I cna see the cage bellow. They are captive to their faux society.and they are unaware. I pet my pup in a manner that may instill an ominous counting. It won't be long. I catch a falling star out of the corner of my eye. I find this to be appropriate. I've patted my pup 50 times now, I look out, and close my eyes. I smile. It's over."

* "All change change. A reoccurring fact. But if that's true, then why do I feel as though nothing's changed? It's been the same for so long." "I fear I may have fell apart here. With my mind in shambles, I lay across this old floor with toys and relics from days since passed."

* "I used to have so much wealth. I... I used to take such great delight int he world. Seeing the perfection in it's never-ending flow and lack of judgment. The world was as it should be, constantly changing. I figured life was the same, but...well, I feel as though I have become stagnant. Nothing changes, nothing surprises me. I feel I'm a lost soul who may never recover, and that is the only thing that hurts anymore. Where did I go wrong? What went awry?"

* "I've spent too much time outside of the box." "Paranoia eats at my mind like a rodent hungry for it's last meal before it's prey ceases to be. I've gotta stop this!" "Is it too late to find my way back to reality? Can I keep both my stable life outside and my fairytale world in my head?"
On the back is written "Must I choose?" in curly hand-writing

* "What if I did have cancer? What if this lump in my neck killed me? or slowly was in the process right now? Would I be easily cast aside as just memories? Weak and short ones at that? There must be a way to make an impact on those around me. I need to explode and leave an impression that will form a hole when I'm gone. For I could be swept away, ANYDAY."

* "But why? Why am I so afraid to explode and show what's in me? Is it because I have lost what I thought I once had? Or is it that I have nothing of value to show? Perhaps it's the sole fact that I spend 40% of my time trying to figure out why it is that I can't seem to express my-self that I lose time I could be doing just that to the best that I can. Fear rules me."

* "Anger Rules me. Lust RULES ME. FrUsTrAtIoN rules ME. Why? They all feel so... So real... Almost as if they could speak for themselves. I feel that they are sacred and have earned their place in me... But... I find them hindering. I must knock them from their thrones."

* "Promise : Toss their crowns aside; As solemn anger doth bide; I am not a weak man; I will stand up the best I can; And when those mighty fall; You will hear my victory call; And I will be no longer a slave to them; I will act upon my own whim."

* At the top of this page is a tiny drawing of what I see my heart as "Rising up from the abyss, I push higher and higher, reaching for the well-top. Gathering fragments of myself as I go. Once I reach the exit, if ever, I'll never left them go! and I'll have a whole soul of pasted pieces and lowly melancholy memories, colors of blue and grey, which I can be proud of. ...I'd never let them go..."

* "I step out from my room into a harsh new day. ...But something changed, and for a second I feel star-kissed and alright. For a second, I feel I'm falling through thoughts of the past. The forgotten and loved, the tangible and the incorporeal. I open the door, the day is bright, the air is warm. I smile. I cry. I'm me again"

* I rewrote the poem in this part of my journal, so this can be considered the revised version.

"Unfinished Love'song :

A gentle kiss to start the day
To open my eyes to in a whole new way
She moves across the room, transfixing my gaze
with brilliant flashes of blue, and red, of grey

Ice over in my heart, I suffer it the everyday
A warm touch, a single kiss, brushes the frost away
You twirl through the room, teasing silly romances
You are my light in the tunnel, that sings and dances

as perfect, and divine as it can get
Yet strange, and, broken I feel
That we have never met"

On the back of this page, I marked the dead center of the book... as it being the middle of the book, and the middle of the spine.




That will do it for tonight. Half of a look into the mind of a sad little boy will do you well. Reading over this, as I type, I find the writing to be mostly bland and lack a lot of artistic value. My second booklet was better in my opinion. That last poem and the last poem of the book itself are the best things to come out of that booklet in my opinion. If you're curious to who I may be talking about in these entries, feel free to ask. I may answer.
The second half will soon follow.